It's been a bit since I've written here! Hi!
I think this is becomming the place I go when I am frustrated with youtube, or the general whims of the internet.
Deep down I see myself as a writer... not a video maker. I enjoy it, but at the same time I think it goes against who I am.
It's not about ME, or my FACE, or my VOICE. It's about what I have to say.
But I don't hate it, I should be clear. I hated making lets plays... I don't feel that same way about making videos.
I think it's in part because people watch videos more than they read little blog posts written by little creatures online.
It the conflict I have as a creator: do I make things that people want or do I make things that I want?
I know the clear answer is, "follow your heart, sweet princess!" But it's not that simple. Or, maybe it is?
Ultimately, I want to make a living by making stuff. I'm not good enough to do this yet, but someday I hope to. But in this pursuit, I feel like I have to cater myself to other people. But when I do that, I feel much more stressed out. Because I don't know other people. Not in the same way I know myself. I like reading weird musings I find online, I like listening to strange electronic music, I like playing video games where you meet odd little beings who say nothing at all.
But I don't know what you like.
And what if I don't like it?
So, it's much easier to just make things I like, how I like to make them. But that's still scary— I can't just manifest health insurrance or a house like that. I can't feed a kid like that.
I'm lucky to live with my parents now... But I obviously don't want that forever. So that adds a lot of pressure.
In my ideal life, I live quietly, spend time with friends, and make things. Eventually I find a partner and we live together, quietly. Somehow, someway, we find a little child. And we help that child learn to love the world. An office job doing office things doesn't fit into that. And I worry that I can make art that resonates with people beyond myself. And if I can't make art for people, I don't know what to do.
Until next time,